L's Cookbook
by Ratt9
Summary: L decides to write a cookbook and tries to cook food. "Tries" is the key word, as he has never cooked before. DO NOT COOK ANY OF L'S RECIPES AT HOME...unless you feel like it. Or are immune to the worst recipes EVER. T for insane recipes. R&R! :D
1. Love Cookies

Today I'm trying to see how many fanfics I can write in one day. So I came up with this idea and decided that it would do. :3 Enjoy, and please review! ^o^

I am L. I have decided to write my own personal cookbook. Watari says that this is not a good idea. Watari says that I cannot cook and that any recipe I come up with will be very distasteful to someone else. I disagree with Watari. Thus, I am writing this.

_What to Feed to Someone to Make Them Like You—_

**The Love Cookie**

I have never made a cookie before. Watari always does it for me, as I am often too busy solving cases to do it myself. Though, I assure you, I am positive I will be able to teach you how to make an exceptional cookie.

Alright…first, get a big bowl. Pour 1 cup of water into the bowl. Then, drop in 1 full stick of butter.

I just tried to smash the cold butter that I dropped in the pot. It didn't work, so the next step is to microwave the butter in the microwave to melt it. Microwave until the butter boils. Then, take the bowl _out _of the microwave and stir it.

The next step (and most fun step) is to add 10 cups of sugar into the mixture. Be sure to stir it really well. If you feel the need to put in more butter at this point, it would be fine to go ahead and do so.

The next step is to drop 1 full egg into the bowl. I must admit, I don't know what happens to the egg shell. Cookies MUST be magical! =D Since I've never had any egg shells in my cookie. I wonder what happens to them? (In case you didn't know, L dropped the entire egg in the bowl without cracking it first XD)

The next thing you should do is add 7 chocolate bars of your choice. Mix them in well.

This is one of the last steps. Make yourself a cup of tea and pour it into the bowl. Stir it all up.

Put the mix into cookie sheets and put them in the oven. I'd say cooking them for about an hour sounds just about right.

The last step is to take the Love Cookies out of the oven and serve it to the person you like. Enjoy! ^o^

I'll add more great recipes later.

Lol, L fails epically at cooking. I DARE you to try to make The Love Cookie! o-o That is my challenge to you! If you do, take a picture of it! 

Okay, what did you all think of that? What would you do if L tried to feed that cookie to you? XD I sure as heck wouldn't eat it! :D

I'll update soon! But please review! Or I feel very discouraged… ;~; ^ ^ thanks for reading

~Ratt Kazamata


	2. Carrot Salad

Thanks to everyone who has read so far! ^ ^ I appreciate it. =] enjoy!

Watari was not very pleased with the Love Cookies that I made. He informed me that if I ever tried to feed them to someone, that person would most likely accuse me of attempting to poison them. Watari just doesn't know good food when he sees it.

Although it is not something I would eat myself, I have decided that in order for this cookbook to be complete, I must teach you how to make a variety of different foods. That being said, today I will provide a recipe for a food to eat if you are on a diet.

_How to Make a Dietary Salad—_

**Carrot Salad**

The first step is to locate a large bowl—preferably a salad bowl.

The next thing to do is to take lettuce and crush it up into the bowl. Make sure it is very well crushed.

This next part is my favourite part. Take two cups of sugar and drop it in the bowl. Don't use any more than two cups of it, because this is supposed to be a dietary meal. Any more sugar than that would make it non-dietary. Mix it in well.

I've never eaten a salad before, but I am guessing that there is butter in the salad. Therefore, put in 2 tablespoons of butter and mix.

This is how the salad got its name. Chop up half a carrot and put the pieces in the bowl.

What you must do next is take maple syrup and pour in about half a cup of it. Then simply add half a cup of water and sprinkle the salad with that stuff that looks like dirt. I don't know what it's called, but I have seen it on salad commercials.

Your salad is ready. Eat this as a dietary meal.

How was that? Does anyone wanna make the "Carrot Salad?" Even though it should actually be called the "Sugar Salad…" but that wouldn't sound too dietary, would it? Lol please review. Sorry it was so short! I didn't know how to make a salad recipe longer!


	3. Devil Cake

I _will _get around to updating my L What If Parody story, my What L Came Back To and Why He Came Back To It story, and potentially my Things Only L Would Know story. I've just been a bit busy with school…anyway! :D For people who haven't already, you should check those stories out! =D And the Contest of Epic Insanity. –totally is not advertising right now-

Aaaaanyway…I basically make a recipe based on what I'm feeling that day. Like, if it's a recipe to give to someone you want to kill, it means I am in the mood to kill someone. If it's a recipe to eat when you are sad, it means I'm sad. And usually, if the ingredients totally contradict the purpose of the recipe (ex: The dietary salad being full of sugar), it probably means that I am in a normal mood and have decided that it would be amusing to add. And so forth. (Wow, that paragraph was totally unnecessary. But I often write unnecessary crap, so it's not unusual ^ ^) 

Anyway, enjoy!

I am in a rather foul mood today. Light Yagami stopped me from licking the cake frosting off of Misa Amane's cheek. I find this rather awful. Cake frosting should not be wasted like that. And a few moments after Light-kun pulled me away, Amane _wiped off the frosting with a napkin_! She didn't even _eat _the frosting! Sometimes, I do not understand how some people can be so disrespectful to cake. So today, because of my mood, I will teach you how to make a rather distasteful treat.

_What to Feed to Someone to Get Revenge on Them—_

**Devil Cake**

I have decided that a good disguise for a truly awful meal would be a cake, as it is difficult to make a cake look distasteful, despite it being so. This may be my first time ever making cake, but I am sure I will do an excellent job. After making the Love Cookies a few days ago, Watari unenthusiastically informed me of the reason why the cookies turned out to be a liquid, rather than a solid. I forgot the flour. I also now know a few other ingredients that I must add. So, I will succeed at teaching you how to make a cake that looks very good, but tastes truly awful, so that you can get revenge on someone.

First, you must begin with a large bowl. Pour 1 cup of water into said bowl. Next, drop in 3 ½ sticks of fake butter (margarine).

Locate enough fake sugar to fill about 3 cups. Mix the 3 cups of fake sugar into the bowl that consists of fake butter and water. Fake sugar is awful, in my opinion. In my opinion, someone knowingly (and willingly) choosing/using fake sugar rather than real sugar should be considered a crime. So once Light eats this cake, I shall have one more reason to be cross with him. Oh yes, this is perfect!

Interesting. So far, two out of three of the ingredients in this recipe are fake. Now, out of curiosity, I wonder if there is such a thing as fake water. Hmmm…something to look into, perhaps?

Anyway, stir this. The next step is to take 5 cups of flour and pour it into the bowl. Following the flour, pour in 1 cup of vegetable oil. I'm not sure why, however. I just saw the vegetable oil sitting there on the shelf in the cabinet and decided to put it to use. Heh. Though certainly not _good _use.

What you have to do next is take 1 cup of baking soda and add it to the mix.

Then, simply drop in 2 eggs. (lol, once again, he forgets to crack the eggs first)

Mix it all up. The next part shall be the worst parts. =]

Take about 10 spinach leaves and put them into the mix. Then take 2 carrots, crush them up, and include those, also.

Now, pour the batter into a cake bowl (?) and cook it in the oven for about….45 minutes? Yes. That sounds about right.

The final step is to serve it to the person you want revenge on. =]

How was that? Please tell me! Reviews make me very happy –puppy dog face- Even if you just want to say that you don't _have _anything to say, or that you hate my guts and want to beat me with a baseball bat until there is nothing left of me but a bloody mess of skin and crushed bones. .z. Though…of course…that's not exactly preferable…but… it's better than nothing! :D More chapters to come!


	4. Matsuda Stew

Hello everybody! Sorry I haven't updated any of my stories for a few days. I've been really busy this week. I'll get to all my other stories, too, hopefully. Enjoy! And review! :D

It. Is. _Freezing._

It was snowing outside 15 minutes ago, and now it is hailing. (Oh, how I wish that would happen here o.o –gets hit by massive Arizona heat-wave and dies- x.x) Normally I would pay no mind to this, as I rarely go outside, but today there is a slight problem: Matsuda (somehow) broke the heater. Just don't ask me _how_.

Light-kun got sick from my Devil Cake. Specifically, uncontrollable bowel problems. I laughed at him. Ha-ha. This side effect was not my intention, but nor was it something I was set on preventing. I don't mind that my Devil Cake sickened him. The point was revenge, after all, and I got it. However, there was an unforeseen variable in my plan that presented a slight problem: Soichiro Yagami, Light-kun's father. He was not very happy with me.

Light-kun is now sick with a cold. Soichiro informed me that since I got his son sick (the bowel problems), I may as well apologize to him by helping him while he is sick. So I will make him soup.

_What to Feed to Someone Who is Sick—_

**Matsuda Stew**

I am not going to eat Matsuda.

I am simply naming it Matsuda Stew because he is the whole reason Light-kun got a cold, as he is the one who broke the heater.

Watari does not approve of this, but I do not care, as I am his boss. Smiley face.

First, get 2 cans of canned soup. It does not matter which kind, so long as it contains broth. Pour the cans of soup into a pot.

Next, remove all of the noodles so that only the broth remains. Discard the noodles. You now have your broth ready.

Take 3 cups of real sugar and put it in the pot. Drop in about 5 strawberries. Stir.

Tale half a cup of syrup and add it to the stew.

I heard somewhere that rice is full of fibers that are good to eat when someone is having bowel issues like Light-kun. Thus, the next step.

Locate a bag of rice. Luckily, there is a bag of rice here in the cupboard. Pour in about 2 cups of rice. Now, stir and turn the stove on.

The soup has been boiling for 3 or 5 minutes or so. It is now time to pour it into a bowl.

…Damn you Kira. It is your fault that this happened. Because it is always your fault if something bad happens. I just discovered that if you pour the boiling soup into a bowl _toward _yourself, you have an 87% chance of getting badly burned. As of now I can tell you firsthand that this is a very painful experience.

Once you successfully pour your soup into the bowl, serve it to the one who is sick.

…Damn you Kira…

…Make sure you do not accidentally spill any soup on said person or they will get very angry with you.

Enjoy!

Awww! Poor L! He got burned. Well, so did Light, so that's okay? Sorta? 

Anyway! How was it? .z. Anyone want to make Matsuda Stew? Anyone wanna eat it? If you want to make me happy, make Matsuda Stew, take a picture of it, and send it to me via email. If you want to make me _super _happy, review! :D


	5. Saccharine Pizza

Hello. I haven't written anything on fanfiction in a few days because I've been busy with school. Sorry bout that. I wasn't gone! ^ ^

Also, I have a question. Am I the only one who, on fanfiction, uses the black background rather than the white one? .z. Everyone I meet always uses the white background. Doesn't the white background ever start to hurt your eyes if you read too many stories? .z. or is it just me? And does everyone else read stories with the default fanfiction fault or did you also have fun changing it? :D If not, you should play around with it a little! It's fun! :D

Anyway, this idea came from "shadow assasin." Thank you!

Enjoy. ^ ^

I feel like having a party. This is very odd for me, as I do not like celebrations. There are always too many people, too much socialization, and general chaos. However, I do believe that if it is just a small party with only the Task Force members, it should be fine.

Everyone voted, and the majority of the team wishes to have pizza.

Watari was going to order the pizza from a pizza company, but I, however, stopped him from doing so just in time. I decided that it would be a wonderful thing if _I _were the one to make the pizza.

He argued with me about this. However, we eventually compromised. I would be able to make the pizza so long as the crust was already made for me. I agreed.

So, here is the recipe.

_What To Make For an Informal Party—_

**Saccharine Pizza**

Start out with pre-made pizza dough. This is all about the toppings.

Locate a container of maple syrup. Spread a thin layer of maple syrup on top of the pizza crust so that there is a nice layer of something in which the other ingredients can stick.

The next step is to take about a cup of powdered sugar and sprinkle it on top of the maple syrup. Refrain from taking a bite out of this pizza, despite how delicious it appears to be. You must learn to resist the temptation.

You now must put little pieces of cookie dough on the crust. After that, locate a hammer.

With the hammer, pound the cookie dough down until it is flattened. Just make sure that in doing so, you do not pound any holes in the pizza dough, as it is rather delicate at this point.

I believe I just got an excellent idea. I shall execute it.

Retrieve a box of pocky sticks. Remove enough pocky sticks to surround the circumference of the pizza crust. Place the pocky sticks around the pizza. Make sure they stick to the syrup well.

Because I now know better than to cook without this ingredient, just to be safe, sprinkle a half a cup of flour on top of the pizza. Otherwise, the pizza might turn out as a liquid rather than a solid.

I just remembered. There is tomato sauce on pizza. So, locate a can of tomato sauce of your choice and then spread it on top of everything else.

Then, simply put it in the oven and cook it for 30 minutes, I suppose.

After 30 minutes, take it out of the oven, serve it to the party, and enjoy!

WAIT!

L HAS SOMETHING ELSE HE WANTS YOU TO DO!

He wishes for you to scroll down. There should, hopefully (unless a horrible natural disaster blew it away o-o), be a pretty button. It is a very pretty button indeed. It enjoys being pressed. Oh my god that sounded wrong. But oh well. So, you see this very pretty button, yes? If not, I will run away from the storm and will possibly get blown away, never to be seen again. While some of you might be amused by this, that wouldn't be very preferable for me. .z. 

L wishes for you to, once you press this button, to write something in it. You do not need to be logged in to do this. He wishes for you to write what you thought about his recipe. He wishes for you to tell him what else to make. Then, he wishes for you to press "submit." L will be very happy about this. ^ ^ 

My insane goal is to get half of the people reading this to review. .z. I can track the number of people. .z. lol insane goal. I just wonder if it's possible.

Thanks for reading! ! ! ! ! ! ! :D


	6. Angelic Pancakes

I'm a bit grumpy today. =/ so if I lash out at anyone (or if my writing reflects this mood), I apologize. My grumpiness has to do with $200 worth of stuff (including 117 phone numbers that I will never get back) being stolen from my backpack at school. So be careful; I'm in a murderous mood.

But anyway! Thank you "imobsessedwithharrypotter" for this awesome idea for L to cook next! And for everyone who wants me to have L mess up making jelly—I'm sorry. I don't think I can do that. I don't have a single clue how to make jelly in the first place, so…yeah. Also, Ruby—I will get around to posting on your website shortly.

Anyway, enjoy.

I have been having a horrible day. Everyone is blaming me for everything. I have been falsely accused of many things today. Soichiro blames me for his son's lack of sleep. Light-kun blames me for him dropping his phone and breaking it. Mogi keeps scolding me about there being dust on tables in rooms we do not even use. Misa, for some reason, believes that it is _my _fault that her favourite makeup store went out of business. Aizawa thinks that it is my fault that Watari crashed the limo. Watari blames me for the same reason that Aizawa does. Matsuda blames me for there being no candy left in the candy store, even though I only purchased $700 dollars worth of candy from that store (which, I must inform you, is _not _enough money to buy everything in it).

In any case, I have decided to teach you how to make a breakfast food. Specifically, pancakes. I have never eaten a pancake in my life. This being said, it is definitely safe to say that I have never cooked one. However, I am confident in my abilities and believe that I will definitely be able to figure this out.

_What To Feed As A Treat Breakfast Food—_

**Angelic Pancakes**

Begin with a large bowl. Take 5 cups of flour and put it into said bowl.

I believe milk may be involved in the making of pancakes. Take 4 cups of milk and pour it in. Stir.

Locate 6 cups of sugar and add it to the mixture.

I wonder if vanilla is in pancakes. Perhaps it is. So, take a cup of vanilla and pour it in.

Now, take an egg and drop it into the bowl as well. Crush it up with the spoon and mix it with the other things well.

Now, this is how to get the fluffy texture, I believe. Take a piece of bread (probably white bread) and cut it up into very small pieces (or you could use your hands to rip it up). Put the small pieces of bread into the bowl as well. Stir.

It is a known fact that pancakes and syrup go together. So, pour in 4 cups of sugar.

It is also a known fact that pancakes and butter go together. In this case, locate a cup of butter and plop it in.

Now, for the baking soda. Mix in 1 cup of baking soda. Stir everything very well.

Now it is time to bake the pancakes. In other words, we must tan them.

Take the mixing bowl of pancake mix up onto the roof. Lay out a sheet of tinfoil on the ground of the roof.

Pour small bits of pancake mix onto said tinfoil. Make sure that it is a sunny day, however.

If done correctly, the tinfoil will warm up and your pancakes will begin to cook. I have thought about this, and I have come to the conclusion that this is how it is done by the professionals. It is rather ingenious, wouldn't you say?

Once your pancakes look cooked, enjoy!

What do you all think of Angelic Pancakes? I was going to use the whole "leave them out in the sun" idea with the Love Cookies, but my friend Tina told me that surely L would know that that is not how they were done. So I didn't. But today I felt that if I didn't use that idea, I would explode. Thus, L wants you to "tan" the pancake mix out in the sun.

Please review! Reviews are amazing and they are what keeps me writing new chapters! You don't even have to say much. Even "…" would be better than saying absolutely nothing. 

Also, quick question about my own sanity that I wish to get cleared up if possible:

Out of all you people here on the internet (or in the world…?), am I the only one who texts upside down? .z. Like, holds the phone upside down and then texts like that? with the screen down and the numbers/letters up? Or am I all alone in this random way of using my phone…? XD seriously though; am I?


	7. McRival Burger

Thank you Ruby for this idea!

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been really busy! D: Forgive me? DX Well anyway, I hope you enjoy this! :D ^ ^ L doesn't know how bad his cooking is because he never eats it, unless it is some type of sweet—in which case (as long as it has sugar) anything tastes good to him. Lol. The background to this recipe was inspired by the absolutely god-awful luck I have been having recently. I mean, I get 10 bucks and I plan to walk to the candy store after school. When I arrive at the store, I find out that the money fell out of my pocket and is nowhere to be found. Then I…erm –cough, looks away- fell on my face…after tripping over my backpack. Which was rather embarrassing XD. Then, in class, the girl next to me stated, "There is no one more awesome than me." But the teacher thought that _I _had said that, so now she thinks I am an egotistical weirdo. o.e Then I write a super long essay for fun, and then my computer got all weird and deleted it. And many other things. ^ ^; Indeed, my luck seems very comical. Maybe I shall write something about it. However, it is not fun. ANYWAY, I have decided to pass my bad luck on to L (the evil person that I am), in the hopes that it leaves me alone and bugs L instead. Poor L! D: -pats- anyway, I've ranted long enough. XD Enjoy!

I have been having the worst luck ever lately. Nothing is going right. I wholly blame Kira for this. It all started when a bird pooped on one of the pancakes I was cooking (which was on the roof)…right before said bird crashed into a window and died. Kira can manipulate people right before they die. I sense a connection.

Light-kun took me to a fast food restaurant yesterday. The idea of hamburgers amazes me (yet it does not entice me to eat it). This restaurant inspired me to figure out the secret recipe for hamburgers. I will be the first one to figure it out, and, in doing so, will be able to perhaps start a restaurant. My restaurant would be the only restaurant in the world (besides "McDonalds" [the restaurant Light-kun took me to]) that will have the recipe for hamburgers. I will be made rich…-er! My luck is about to take a turn for the better.

I have not yet informed Watari about this plan, and nor do I intend to until it is complete.

Missiles. Such wonderful things. I do not know why I wrote that, but I am writing this in pen, so it cannot be erased. I apologize for the irrelevance.

_What to Serve if You Want to Be Unique in Your Cooking Choice—_

**McRival Burger**

You must begin with the buns. There are two pieces to these buns. Thus, perform the following procedure twice.

Initially, you need to get a bowl. Begin by putting in 4 cups of flour. Then, mix in 6 cups of sugar, followed by 10 tablespoons of butter. This sounds about right.

Locate a carton of milk and pour half the carton into it. Stir.

Shred up pieces of un-toasted toast and drop the pieces into the bowl for the bread-texture.

Put in 1 cup of baking soda, and 3 cups of syrup. To finish it off, put it in the oven for perhaps 30 minutes. That sounds about right. While that is cooking, it is time to move onto the next step for making a hamburger.

Locate a raw steak and place it on the counter. Take a large butchers knife (like the ones in those horror movies with the banal mass murderers and the fake blood that is splattered around, not without abandon) and chop up the meat into exceedingly small pieces.

The next step is to make this chopped meat stick together in a round shape. I have thought about different ways to accomplish this feat, and within five minutes I concluded the best solution (as follows).

Purchase a large bottle of nontoxic glue. The most important part of this is that it says "nontoxic" on the bottle. If it does not, there will be some major problems upon usage of this product.

Drop all the pieces of cut meat into a bowl. Once you have done this, pour (into the bowl) enough nontoxic glue to cover all of the meat pieces. Let the meat soak in the glue for about 1 or 2 minutes.

After said time period has passed, scoop all the meat out of the glue (using your hands) and place them on the counter.

Then, simply squish them together until they mostly stay intact. Mold it into whatever shape you wish.

Put it into the oven for about an hour (after removing the buns, of course).

Once the meat is cooked, it is time to apply the toppings. I'm not quite sure how this goes, but I am certain I will be able to figure it out.

On top of the meat, pour 1 cup of sugar. Then include syrup.

After this, slather with butter. Add more sugar if you so wish.

If I recall correctly (which I always do), Light-kun's hamburger had some red on it. It was a sauce, I believe. It is most likely tomato sauce. Therefore, spread tomato sauce on the burger to finish it off.

Put the buns on the top and bottom of the meat, and you will be ready to eat it.

You have succeeded at making a hamburger! This is a very rare recipe. Enjoy.

Sorry that took so long to update. I've been lazy lately DX

Today. Was. Epic. I was walking home from school, and then it started to hail (even though I live in a desert o.O). At first, I was like ":D oh cool, hail! :D" …but then it started hailing harder. And harder. And then I was like "=] hail is so cool," but then hail bigger than golf balls started crashing down on my head, and I was like "D: this is painful!" I couldn't even see a few feet in front of me because there was so much hail. So I ran across the busy street as fast as I possibly could, and I took refuge in a gas station. Lol I had like 3 bumps on my head. Then, I bought a lot of candy! :D (wow, this description is horribly written D:. Run-on sentences and everything D: ). It was epic! :D

Well anyway, please review! Please! For L's sake? :D

Thanks for reading!

~Ratt Kazamata


	8. Scream Cream

Sorry I haven't updated anything in a while. I have been busy. And lazy. Forgive me! D:

I will update What L Came Back To shortly…I hope. I also will use suggestions, but today I just thought of this randomly and decided to use it. It's a bit short, but enjoy! :D

I have been slacking off a bit lately. I know not why this is—perhaps it is the summer air. In any case, I was staring out the window when this idea came to me.

Out the window, I saw happy young children standing on the sidewalk. Then the next minute, an ice cream truck came by.

All of the children ran after it happily. It was a joyous scene.

Until of course, one little child began screaming that the truck had run over a frog and squashed it.

That little child then proceeded to run out in front of the ice cream truck, screaming that the truck was a murderer.

The little child was then almost run over by said ice cream truck.

However, Matsuda had been among the children chasing the ice cream truck.

…

Don't. Ask.

Matsuda was able to pull the child back to safety just in time, as odd as that sounds (considering it was Matsuda).

Back to the matter at hand. I have decided to write a recipe for ice cream.

_What To Make If You Feel Like Perhaps Chasing a Truck—_

**Scream Cream**

I assume you first need crushed ice. Locate a bowl and insert crushed ice.

Obtain cream and pour about 5 cups into the bowl.

Follow this step by pouring in about 7 cups of sugar.

I assume that you need about a half a cup of water. Stir the mixture.

I do not believe that butter is required in ice cream. However, this ice cream shall be tea flavor, so pour in a cup of tea.

Now, the task is to make the ice cream…not crunchy. Therefore, I believe it would be appropriate to drop in 1 cup of flour.

After this step, place it in the freezer and in a few hours, you have ice cream! Enjoy!

Sorry that was so short, and sorry that sucked. =.=

Review anyway? Please?

Hope you liked it anyway. Suggestions!

Thanks for reading!


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